yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize