After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
