it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
