i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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