i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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