Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
