she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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