Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
