someone owes me an orgasm
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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