You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize