she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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