ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
