nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I have post one night stand depression
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