Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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