I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My vagina just recognized that song.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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