I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
