I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
