Just fell off a train. Bad.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
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