I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
