...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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