My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
