My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
