things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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