I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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