my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
