Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
