im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
