I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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