i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
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Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
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he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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