So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
