you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
