if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
