I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.