it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My ass is underappreciated
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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