Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
