You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
