oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
