that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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