Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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