mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
