I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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