I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
