you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
