kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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