I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
