Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
