Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
