I'm going to jail i love you
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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