I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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