that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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