i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
