Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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