Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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