You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
