I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
