i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
